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Adapted from Gay Partner Abuse Project
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CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
- Are you afraid of your partner?
- Does your partner try to control what you do and who you see?
- Has your partner ever threatened to harm you or your family?
- Has your partner ever hit you or thrown things at you?
- Have you ever been forced to have sex, or unprotected sex?
- Does your partner threaten to "out" you or have you deported?
Domestic violence is about "power" and "control." It is a pattern of behavior used by one person in a relationship to control the other.
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YOU MAY BE A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC ABUSE IF:
- You are frightened of, or feel responsible for, your partner's temper or behavior.
- You are compliant because you are afraid of being punished by your partner.
- You make decisions according to what your partner wants or how s/he will react.
- You censor your reactions or opinions in fear of hurting your partner's feelings or causing conflict.
- You have been kicked, hit, shoved or had things thrown at you or around you.
- You have been called names, degraded or humiliated privately or publicly.
- You are unjustly accused of having affairs.
- You are blamed for things that are not your fault.
- You have been threatened with being "outed" if you don't comply with your partner's demands.
- You have been prevented from getting/maintaining a job, participating in control of mutual resources, or restricted in your access to your money.
- You have been forced to have sex or been caused pain sexually without your consent.
The following section briefly defines forms of abuse and typical behaviors:
PHYSICAL ABUSE
Physical violence is battering if it results in enhancing the control or increasing the perceived power of the batterer over the victim. If the victim is fearful of the perpetrator, if s/he modifies behavior in response to the assault or to potential assault(s), or intentionally maintains a particular behavioral repertoire in an effort to avoid violence - despite a preference not to do so - s/he is battered. Physical abuse can be defined as any forceful physical behavior that intentionally or accidentally causes bodily harm or property destruction, including the following:
- hitting
- beating
- choking
- pushing
- slapping
- kicking
- pulling hair
- biting & burning
- holding partner down or preventing partner from leaving
- locking partner out of house
- abandoning partner in a dangerous place
- refusal to get partner help or medical attention
- forced use of substances or depriving of medication
- denying/interfering with partner's basic physical needs (eating and sleeping).
- driving recklessly to intimidate
- smashing, damaging, stealing, throwing objects, or selling partner's possessions
- abusing or threatening abuse of pet or children
- use of a weapon against partner (hammer, knife, gun, etc.)
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual domestic abuse is any nonconsensual sexual act or behavior that is motivated by the perpetrator's need for power and control including contact that demeans or humiliates the victim against her/his will, instigating feelings of shame and exposure - particularly in regards to body, sexual performance, or sexuality including:
- demeaning remarks about partner's body, clothing, or appearance
- minimization of partner's sexual needs
- berating partner about sexual history
- demeaning remarks about the partner being too feminine or too butch
- forcing sex or sexual acts on partner without consent
- using force or roughness that is not consensual including forced sex (rape).
- refusing to comply with partner's requests for safe sex
- using knowledge of prior sexual acts or abuse to terrorize, intimidate or re-traumatize.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Emotional abuse is present in almost all domestic violent and abusive relationships and can have injurious consequences to the victim - eroding self-esteem, confidence, hopefulness, and, most importantly, one's sense of self. Typically, emotional abuse includes ridicule, intimidation, coercion, manipulation and verbal harassment. Perpetrators attempt to bolster their own self-esteem by instilling insecurity in their partners. In a verbal exchange if no negotiation is possible, a form of emotional abuse has most likely occurred. Emotionally abusive behaviors include:
- name-calling and use of abusive language to criticize or humiliate
- disproportionate anger or yelling to intimidate
- irrational blaming of partner
- withholding displays of affection
- obsessive jealousy and accusations
- instilling in partner the belief that 'nothing s/he does will ever be good enough'
- use of intimate knowledge to generate vulnerability.
IMPOSED SOCIAL ISOLATION
Imposed social isolation occurs with such frequency in domestic abuse that it deserves an independent classification. Partners are robbed of contact with other people including family, friends, children and other loved ones to create a social deprivation that often causes the victim to be more reliant on the abuser while simultaneously preventing the seeking out of support or successful leaving of the relationship. The following behaviors are the most commonly used in the imposition of social isolation:
- blame of partner's friends or family for the couple's relationship problems
- monitoring phone calls, mail, or visits
- demanding an accounting of partner's daily activities
- insulting, threatening or assaulting partner's friends/family, driving people out of the victim's life
- forcing partner to choose between the couple relationship and loved ones
- creating public scenes or disturbances when the partner is out with others
- stalking partner or other forms of surveillance.
FINANCIAL ABUSE
Financial abuse involves preventing one's partner from accessing her/his own or mutual material resources with the result that s/he is deprived of economic autonomy. Common examples of financial abuse include:
- forbidding partner to work
- harassing partner at work by creating scenes, excessive phone calls, or creating conflict with co-workers, supervisors and/or clients; jeopardizing his/her job
- forcing partner to miss work through threats, injuries, or substance use
- control of shared resources including bank accounts and common property
- demanding that partner sign over paychecks denying access to mutual funds
- demanding that partner account for all money s/he spent
- coercing partner to pay for all expenses, including rent, food, and utilities
- refusing to work yet contributing to expenses
- damaging of property that is necessary for partner's job or functioning including automobile, financial records, computer etc.
INTELLECTUAL ABUSE
Intellectual abuse is often a strong weapon used by the perpetrator and is perhaps best considered as the use of words and thoughts to manipulate, control or dominate a partner including:
- lying in order to confuse
- telling tales and false stories or playing mind games
- telling partner s/he doesn't know what s/he is talking about; manipulating partner with words and ideas; telling partner s/he is stupid or crazy
- scheming, plotting, manipulative planning which thwart the victim's sense of stability, security and undermine her/his adaptation within the world
SPIRITUAL ABUSE
Spiritual abuse is the suffocation of spirit or spiritual expression (of the partner or partnership) or the diminution of a person's essential character or characteristics including the following behaviors:
- denial of spiritual expression
- degrading the victim's beliefs or spiritual expressions
- manipulating partner by withholding love or unity, or granting it conditionally.
- name-calling and expressions of prejudice
- cold-shouldering partner
- having affairs with others and flaunting them with the intention of instilling insecurity or to undermine the sense of partnership.
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